“I miss the old me.” I cannot tell you how many times I have said or thought that over the last few years, as my concussion count has grown and my “new normal” has changed again and again…never reverting to the normal I thought would always be.

I’ve never really liked the term “new normal”; it feels simultaneously permanent and transient. It makes “normal” sound so fluid, yet is used at times when you just want balance and consistency – you just want to know what to expect so you can adjust and continue. I’ve decided to stop using the term, replacing it with just one word: homeostasis.

Homeostasis: a self-regulating system enabling both stability and survival. It’s not an average, it’s not a deviation from the norm – it just is. It’s a system built through merging how things must be with how things are now – how to maintain steadiness despite the circumstances. It’s the struggle and tension felt every single day you spend fighting against something no one else can see. It’s that pull between never wanting to settle or stop fighting for what could be, but knowing you will not adapt and thrive until you accept how things currently are. In reality, homeostasis is constant for us all…but I think the concept resonates more deeply for some of us.

I am not an expert. I am not a trained medical professional. I am a doofus who cannot stop hitting their head on things. I am a patient who smiles and nods when called “medically resilient” yet mourns the losses that even resiliency cannot protect. I am the person whose head hides a million little cracks. I am the girl with the glass brain.